Just a little wallow I'm almost finished packing up my room. It's one of the more stressful things I've done in my life. I know I'm only going to be gone for the school year, but when I come back, it won't be to move back in to my parent's house. So, it's freaking me out. And, of course, at work they have nothing for me to do so I spend hours every day thinking about what I could be accomplishing if I was home. I might see if I can't sign out early and take Tuesday off. But then I probably wouldn't get payed for Tuesday. blah. I've been avoiding writing about leaving because it would make it too real, but packing has done that for me. I'm worried about how much room there'll be in the van and I worry because I can't picture how big a 9' x 13' room is and how my stuff will fit in it. I hate that I can't imagine what this will be like. Usually, if I'm stressed about some upcoming event, I make myself feel better by visualising how I think it'll go. It doesn't matter if it won't go that way at all, because at least I have something to prepare for. That's why I'm not too stressed about starting school and all the work. But, I can't imagine what living 14 hours from everything I'm familiar with will be like. I can't visualise living on my own, with no local support. So, my mind has been keeping busy stressing over small details here, like what will fit in the van etc. so I don't just fall apart. Of course, with the actual day of departure looming ever closer, I'm getting worse and worse. I've started having bad dreams, my stomach is upset most of the time, I'm crabby. Last night I had a dream that all the people the Boy spent time with at school were deliberately humiliating and tormenting me. I was furious and completely crushed. I'm still not completely over those pictures left in my memory of them crowding around and laughing. So, I'd say my emotional balance is not where it was a month ago. I'm dreading the holiday Monday, and the weekend after that, and the one after that. Days where I'm left on my own, with nothing much to do except figure out how to cook for one and keep myself together. I know eventually the homework will keep me busy on the weekends, and right now I'm looking forward to it. Now the rational side of my brain has taken over and I have to admit that I'm being a tad silly. I'll get to know my housemates, and classmates, and I won't be lonely forever. Not even for a long time. But, it's hard to imagine making friends with people who don't exist in my reality yet. Right, that's enough self pity for one day. Gotta gear up for another work day full of....well, nothing. |